It is time to change the conversation about parents

Do parent engagement efforts really engage parents?

Educators spend a lot of time and effort on parent “engagement.” Whether we truly believe in it or our funders require it, the result is the same – we all are trying to figure out how to effectively “engage” parents. Some say they know how to do it, while others admit they are baffled by the whole concept. Still others have given up and are just trying to do the bare minimum, to essentially work around parents. Most of us believe we could do better.

I have never liked the term “parent engagement”

“If only parents would…” is a common refrain among teachers. But there is little agreement about what an “engaged” parent looks like. What exactly must parents do to meet teachers’ expectations? Do teachers even have the right expectations for parents?

This lack of clarity keeps teachers and parents on opposite sides of the line. For teachers, it can feel like they are in it alone with very little cooperation and a lot of blame. For parents, it can feel more like teachers are passing judgment on whether they are good parents, rather than helping them understand what more they need to do beyond getting their child dressed, fed and safely to the front door of the school on time and ready to learn.

The term “parent engagement” is not getting us where we need to go. We need different terminology that describes a new kind of relationship between parents and teachers. Let’s close the book on “engagement” and open a new chapter on terms like “trust”, “mutual respect,” “shared purpose” and “partnership.”

We are not asking the right questions

Now let’s reframe the question. Instead of asking “how do we engage parents?” and “why aren’t parents engaged?” what if we asked:

• “What kind of partnership do we need between parents and teachers to best support a child’s success?” and
• “Why is the partnership between parents and teachers breaking down?”

The conversation is immediately changed from “what is wrong with parents?” to “what is the best way for parents and teachers to work together?” A much more productive place to start.

Could parents be the game changer?

The most critical period of learning occurs before a child ever sets foot in Kindergarten. We know that early family conditions are powerful in shaping a child’s later success as an adult, thanks to the research of James J. Heckman, Nobel Prize winning economist and University of Chicago professor.

“Soft” skills learned in the earliest years of life have “hard” effects on how our lives turn out. Smarts (cognitive skills) certainly are needed to succeed, but character matters, according to Heckman and other experts like Paul Tough. Soft skills (non-cognitive or social/emotional skills) that build character include:

• Motivation
• Sociability – ability to work with others
• Communication
• Ability to pay attention
• Self-regulation, self-control and self-esteem
• Perseverance
• Curiosity
• Conscientiousness
• Optimism
• Resilience

Parents are teaching these lessons by example. In the early years, a child learns soft skills by imitating her parents’ reactions to the world – both what they do and what they don’t do. The family home is a child’s first classroom. Parents are a child’s first teachers.

Where to start?

“Parent engagement” is a problem only if parents “disengage.” The question is what do we need to do for parents in the critical early years so that they stay in the game all the way through until their child’s graduation from high school?

When my daughter was almost 3, her pre-school teacher took me aside and kindly told me, “Your daughter needs a coat she can zip up and down herself.” I was perplexed. She went on to explain, “She needs to be able to put on her coat by herself without help when we go outside to play. It’s time.” I was a young, single, working mom, recently widowed and overwhelmed. I didn’t know it was time. That night, my daughter and I went shopping for a coat. We went to every store in the mall and tried on countless coats in all shapes and sizes – until at last, we found it. My daughter beamed as she zipped up with ease the bright blue, oversized poly-fill coat. We danced and laughed and cheered and hugged each other right there in the store. I will never forget it. All thanks to a pre-school teacher who knew I needed help and was there to provide it.

We have at most 2,000 days – from birth to the first day of Kindergarten – to get a child ready for success in school. That means that parents only have those same 2,000 days to get ready to be good partners with teachers for the next 13 years until high school graduation. It is not much time. There is a lot at stake. We can’t let them fail.

Pre-school is the perfect training ground for parents. What if we created a safe space for parents and teachers to explore a new kind of relationship? A space with lots of room for parents to practice how to model strong “soft” skills and help their child build character. A space filled with “bright blue, oversized poly-fill coat” moments.

What if, before the first day of Kindergarten, parents had the space to learn – with teachers by their side – how to:

• Advocate for their child and work with teachers to accomodate their child’s health and mental health issues, as well as their unique learning differences and needs
• Incorporate reading and other activities into their regular routine at home to reinforce the lessons their child learned during the school day in a way that works with the limited time they have together
• Choose a high-performing primary school for their child to attend that will continue the gains she has made in pre-school
• Raise their own education level, particularly mothers, because it will impact the level of education their child aspires to achieve

What if pre-school was that place?

Parents are their child’s first teachers, but they don’t have to do it alone.
It is not about “engagement”, it is about “partnership”.
Parents are the game changer.
If they stay in the game, we all win.